Hogwarts: Who's your daddy?
by Shania Nowhere
Summary: The trio follow the Weasley twins into the forbidden forest and enter the fantastic world of “Hogwhores”. What’s a young wizard or witch to do when they find their own teachers in less than dignified situations? Enjoy it while it lasts and take notes. XD


**Hogwarts: Who's your daddy?**

By: Shania Nowhere

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and I'm so sorry for completing disgracing the wonderful teachers of Hogwarts, this is just a silly "what if" kind of story. Though I'm sure we've all had these thoughts before, I just put them into words for everyone to consider and laugh at. Also, I do not own the song "I'm too sexy" by Right Said Fred, but I give kudos to anyone who gets the pun I snuck in there. XD Enjoy!

It was just a normal autumn evening for the Hogwarts School; students were leisurely hanging around the courtyard or up in the common rooms of their respective dormitories studying and playing games. Within the Gryffindor common room sat the three most well known students of Hogwarts: Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and the ever-mischievous Harry Potter. They were talking about how horrible the day's classes were, especially potions (but that wasn't very odd in the first place, the teacher being as strict as he was).

"I wonder why all the teachers seemed so eager to end class, we all finished school early today." Ron mused, staring out the window into the vast grounds of the school.

"I know, we didn't even hardly touch on any of the subjects!" Hermione moaned, the only one who was depressed about that fact.

"Seems kind of suspicious, doesn't it? Maybe something happened so they had to meet and talk about it." Harry mused, the worst things imaginable popping to mind.

"Not everything results in something horrid, Harry." Hermione said, looking over her shoulder at him with a scolding glare.

"Just look at that sky, we could be out there having fun and skipping through fields of flowers and butterflies but NO, they tell us to stay inside. Bunch of killjoys…" Ron scowled out the window at the cloudless sky outside mocking him with its beauty.

"Skipping? Fields of flowers and _butterflies_? Ron, are you feeling well?" Harry asked, sounded disturbed by this show of interest in such girly activities.

"Of course I'm not, there's a whole lawn begging to me trampled and I can't get near it! Even the Forbidden Forest looks inviting-Oi, is that Snape?" Harry and Hermione crowded on either side of Ron, peering out at the grounds in the direction he was pointing. Sure enough, the dark figure of their potions teacher was heading swiftly toward the Forbidden Forest, glancing over his shoulder before disappearing behind some bushes.

"What do you suppose he's up to?" Harry asked, narrowing his eyes at the place he'd entered as if hoping to see something indicating where he was going.

"Who knows, he's been sneaking off into those woods every night for the past few years, or at least every time I've stared out the window at dusk I see him skulking in that direction." They all turned to see Fred coming up the stairs with George close behind.

"Really? That's odd…oh, you don't suppose he's doing something…wrong, do you?" Hermione guessed. The twins shrugged and George said, "Only way to find out is to follow him."

"Follow him? But we've been ordered to-" Ron started to say.

"Stay inside?" Fred finished, a look of great disapproval on his face.

"Ron, do you hear yourself?" George had the same expression on his face, a mix of horror as if Ron had just grown a rather nasty looking wart on his nose.

"When has that ever stopped you three from doing whatever you want?"

"Or us, for that matter."

"Very true, brother."

"Yes, extremely true."

"So what do you suggest we do? Have you two ever followed him?" Harry asked, ignoring Ron's look of annoyance.

"Followed Snape? Never!" Fred said unconvincingly.

"We wouldn't dream of it."

"Honestly, it's such a ridiculous concept."

"But if we were to follow him into the woods, we would drink some aging potion first."

"Yes, that would be an excellent idea."

"Aging potion? Why?" Hermione looked puzzled.

"Why not? How often do you get to see what it's like to be them?" George raised his eyebrows.

"To be old and wrinkled?" Harry asked dully.

"Well, not necessarily that old but over 21, preferably somewhere around 30."

"Yes, 30 is a good age to be following Snape."

"I don't get it, why do we have to be old to follow that slimy git?" Ron frowned.

"You don't have to but it's just a friendly suggestion." George nodded in agreement with himself.

"A very friendly suggestion."

"If you'd like to borrow some of our secret supply, you're welcome to it."

"You have a whole lot of it made? Why?" Harry looked baffled, as did his friends.

"For emergencies." Fred smiled.

"Yes, you never know when you'll need to be following sneaky people into woods."

"Or dancing with waitresses in g-strings."

"G-strings? What the heck!" Ron looked quite uneasy now.

"Just follow the bouncing Snape and you'll soon find out! Oh, and I'd make up a fake name too, it works better that way." George pointed out.

"Aging potion? G-strings? Fake names? Bouncing Snapes? I don't get it, it's just the Forbidden Forest!" Ron exclaimed.

"Dear me…perhaps we should go with them this time?" Fred consulted his twin.

"I would like to have some fun before the end of the year comes, and it's the place to be to have fun!" George looked oddly serious when he said this.

"Then it's settled, we'll escort these virgins so they're not alone for their first time." Fred nodded, turning to retrieve the aging potion from their room.

"VIRGINS?" Ron's eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"Be patient, ickle brother, you've waited long enough so a few more moments won't hurt." George winked. When Fred returned, he gave each of them a phial of foul smelling liquid and said, "Bottoms up! It's measured out to age you exactly 20 years." They exchanged glances before downing the potions in their entirety, feeling the effects kick in almost instantly as they grew taller and more mature.

"Woah, Hermione! I'll look forward to seeing you when you're older!" George whistled as he looked her over. Being as she was only 13 at the time she took the potion, she had grown quite a bit and her school uniform seemed to shrink as it pulled unsettlingly against her womanly figure. Ron and Harry gawked at her first before each other, saying, "Is that you?"

"Yes, indeed you are still yourselves, just future versions. Aren't we hot?" Fred grinned, posing with his identical brother as they showed off, having taken the potions at the same time.

"You look like Bill." Ron said, frowning.

"Isn't it great?" George grinned mischievously before becoming business-like again, "But we don't have time to fool around, this potion only lasts for an hour so let's get a move on!"

"Wait, we can't go looking like this!" Hermione said, particularly since her skirt was now inches away from revealing things she didn't want seen.

"You're right, best change into something more comfortable." Fred nodded, "We'll give you two some of our clothes since you're too tall to wear your own."

"And you can raid one of the 7th year's trunks, try Sally, she has some nice Muggle outfits." George smirked before setting off with the other boys. A few minutes later, they met up again in the common room, looking completely unlike themselves.

"Now keep that hat on, Harry, or your scar will blow our cover." Fred commented as they headed for the portrait hole.

"I look like a pimp." Harry said, looking at the stylish green suit they had forced him to wear.

"It looks great on you! And might I add you're smoking very nicely this evening, Hermione." George added as he climbed out behind her.

"No, you may not." Hermione frowned at him, tugging at the mini skirt she had been forced to wear as Sally apparently didn't own anything below the knees. They quietly snuck out onto the grounds and headed straight for the woods where they followed the twins cautiously into the darkness. They seemed to walk on forever before seeing a light in the distance.

"What's that?" Harry asked before getting shushed by Fred and George. Drawing closer, they realized it was a row of lamps lighting up a line of witches and wizards waiting patiently to get to the front of the line. Joining the queue, they quickly moved up the line and reached the bouncer that made them all have to stifle gasps. There in front of them wearing a particularly nice looking fur coat and leaning against his pink umbrella was none other than Hagrid, the gamekeeper.

"Back again, yeh two? Yeh're becoming popular guests 'round here! Pussycat's on the floor tonigh', I know how much yeh like 'er." Hagrid said with a wink and a nudge.

"Splendid! These are a few of our friends, they're in town for a visit and we thought we'd show them one of the hottest spots in the wizarding world!" Fred said in an oddly deep voice that had a hint of a Scottish accent in it.

"Aww, yeh spoil us, sir. The McAfee twins 'ere are always saying nice things 'bout us, business has tripled since they started comin'!" Hagrid beamed as he patted them on the shoulders. The three merely nodded, not wanting to speak and have their covers blown.

"You'll have to excuse them, they're rather shy around strangers, let me introduce them!" George said, waving to Harry and said, "This here is Sir Alan Rickman, he's flown in from Whales just to see what all the fuss is about." Harry gave Hagrid a firm handshake and nearly had his palm crushed.

"And this here is Julia Roberts, she's from America." Fred introduced Hermione who had no idea who this woman was that she was assuming the name of. Hagrid bowed, taking her hand tenderly and saying, "Pleasure, Miss Roberts. Yeh look righ' pretty tonigh'!" Hermione blushed and let out a little giggle.

"And this here is our distant cousin, Johnny Depp! He's not a stranger to the club scene and can't wait to get inside." George clapped Ron on the back, sending him stumbling forward into Hagrid's handshake.

"Glad ter have a veteran!" Hagrid beamed.

"Thanks." Ron muttered in what he hoped was a different voice.

"Well, I've kept yeh long enough, on yeh go!" Hagrid lifted the velvet rope and the twins strode past him and over to an orb set atop a tall pole.

"This is a stationary portkey, it connects with another one at the other end so that they don't have to keep making a new portkey every time someone goes through. Everyone ready for the ride of your lives?" Fred explained briefly in a whisper so Hagrid didn't hear and get suspicious. They gathered around it and each touched it, instantly being pulled through and into a great room full of flashing lights and blaring music. The trio looked around in stunned silence as Fred and George announced together, "Welcome to Hogwhores!"

"Hog what?" Ron exclaimed, watching a waitress walk by in a bunny bikini uniform.

"Hogwhores, the finest magical night club in the whole continent!" George shouted, throwing a wink toward a crowd of giggling witches.

"They have a range of entertainment and sometimes the clientele likes to entertain their friends when they've gotten drunk enough!" Fred smiled at a particularly attractive waitress walking by.

"Come, we must show you the sights!" George began to lead Hermione off toward the bar and the others quickly followed. Upon sitting down on a row of unoccupied bar stools, the short barman came gliding over and said, "What'll it be, boys? A drink for the lady?"

"Professor Flitwick?" Ron gawked at the charms professor who was wearing a pair of leather pants and a revealing and extremely shiny shirt.

"We'll have the usual, Filius." Fred shouted over the music and the charms teacher went to work putting together their drinks. Leaning over to whisper (or talk normally) to them all, George said, "Remember, we're not Hogwarts students anymore so don't call the teachers by their last name! And especially don't call them 'professor', you'll blow our cover!" They nodded and took their drinks. Hermione took a rather lovely looking concoction and Flitwick said, "From the man at the end of the bar."

"Seems you've caught Snape's eye, Hermy." Fred nudged her and she stared in shock at a smirking Snape, drink in hand and a smattering of various empty glasses in front of him.

"Blimey, he's drunk!" Ron said, aghast at the sight of the strict potions master being as loose as a goose.

"You should see him when he gets really drunk, he looks like he's on a roll tonight." George said, waving at Snape with his free hand.

"Why, what does he do?" Harry asked curiously.

"You'll see. Ah, the show's about to start!" Fred eagerly leapt from the stool and hurried to what looked like a VIP seat right in front of the stage.

"He tips well." George added, going to join a crowd of women beckoning to him provocatively. The trio watched as the lights dimmed and Filius' voice was heard throughout the room announcing, "You're all in for a treat, gentlemen! We have one of our most delectable dancers working the catwalk tonight, ready to make you purr with desire. Give a roar for our very own Pussycat!"

The men in the crowd howled like animals as a spotlight focused on the curtain at the far end of the stage. A rather sensuous song began to play as a supple thigh slipped through the part in the curtain, teasingly tracing up and down the fabric before they were ripped open. To their great shock and horror, out strode Professor McGonagall clad in nothing more than a leather bustier and a brief thong, wielding a slender whip in one hand. Reaching the end of the stage, she cracked her whip over the crowd's heads and they gave a shriek of pleasure as she demonstrated elaborate whipping techniques, accompanying it with erotic body movements that entranced the hungry eyes watching her. A pole shot up out of the floor and she began to dance around and on it, proving that she was quite fit for her age. Mouth hanging limply, Ron muttered, "Oh…my…gosh…tell me I'm dreaming."

"You're not but you are drooling on yourself." Hermione commented, smacking him on the arm to wake him up. Wiping his chin, he blinked and said frantically, "Isn't that Trelawny?"

"Where?" Harry asked in a rather excited voice that he hadn't meant to use, following Ron's line of sight to a table across the room. A woman was bent over speaking to a customer, her luscious posterior the only thing visible besides a full head of curls that tumbled down her shoulders. Standing up and turning, their suspicions were confirmed: it most certainly was Trelawny, only she wasn't covered from head to toe in clothing. Instead, she wore a very brief bra top with a g-string bottom and hot pink feather boa slung around her neck, matching her ensemble perfectly.

"Blimey! She's been hiding a lot under those ghastly robes, hasn't she! I have a new appreciation for Divination class, how about you, Harry?" Ron's eyes nearly popped out of his head as he gawked at her as she drifted from table to table checking on the clientele.

"Huh?" Harry said vacantly, obviously too distracted to notice anything but the professor's body.

"What's next, Dumbledore in a Speedo?" Hermione said in disgust, seeming to bring the boys out of their stupor.

"UGH, I hope not, can you imagine 150 years worth of old man in a Speedo? I can…sadly." Ron stuck his tongue out in revulsion before frowning. Blinking curiously, Harry asked, "What is it? Do you see Dumbledore?"

"No, it's Snape, he's doing something by the karaoke box." Ron pointed to the other side of the room near the bar. A small group of ladies had gathered in the general area as Snape fiddled around with the music selection, seeming to be looking for a certain song. He grabbed up the microphone and said in a deep voice, "I'm…too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love. Love's going to leave me…"

Suddenly, a synthesized drumbeat began to play and Snape broke out in a sexual groove, rocking his hips and playfully removing his robes as he sang.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…" He emphasized the last word as he ran his hands over his undulating torso, making several witches squeal like fangirls and cheer him on. It appeared that he had already prepared for his dance prior to approaching the karaoke box, seeing as only a few buttons of his jacket were still done, revealing peeks of his porcelain chest. With nimble fingers, he whipped off his top and twirled it in the air as he rocked his hips toward the crowd provocatively, bringing more screams out of them.

"And I'm too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party. No way I'm disco dancing!" He grunted, doing a few motions of disco styled dance before pulling his pants off, revealing to their stunned surprise a pair of briefs with two silvery S's stitched into the front panel. Hermione flushed and hid her face behind her hands, cautiously peeking through her fingers occasionally to see if he'd taken his underwear off or not.

"I'm a model, you know what I mean, and I do my little turn on the catwalk. Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk yeah. I do my little turn on the catwalk!" Snape strutted around from one woman to the next, having various forms of money tucked into the hem of his briefs as he grooved to the beat. Spotting Hermione finally, he strode across the room toward her as the song continued.

"I'm too sexy for my car, too sexy for my car, too sexy by far." He sang, thrusting his crotch at her intensely.

"No, put it away!" Hermione gasped, waving her hands to block the view of his bulging manhood being forced upon her.

"And I'm too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat, what do you think about that?" Snape grabbed her hand and put it to his package, cocking his eyebrow with a grin. Letting out the shrillest scream anyone had ever heard, she ripped her hand from his grasp and leapt from her barstool, streaking out of the room and straight to the portkey.

"Hey, wait!" Harry shouted after her, quickly pursuing as he wasn't keen on staying around a nearly naked potions master, Ron close on his heel. As they caught up to her, she gasped, "He…I…I touched it! I'll have to scourgify my hand now, ugh! Obliviate me, now!"

"Oi, looks like you got to 'sample the goods', Hermy!" Fred joked as he caught up to them, flushed from laughing at the aghast expression on her face.

"Right said, Fred!" George winked and they both let out a good bout of laughter.

"That was NOT funny! I never want to come back here again!" Hermione shrieked, fuming as she glared at the portkey.

"Me neither…" Ron looked nauseated by seeing Snape in his wide fronts.

"That's a shame, you haven't lived until you've gotten a lap dance from Madam Pomfrey, it's just what the doctor ordered." Fred smirked, doing a little dance before Hermione gave him a killer stare.

"You guys are no fun, honestly…" George rolled his eyes as they touched the portkey and got pulled through to the other side. Stalking off through the woods, Fred and George said in unison to Hagrid, "Later, Big H!"

"See yeh, gentlemen!" Hagrid waved before returning to the next person in line. Minutes later, they were back in the Gryffindor common room hurrying to the bedrooms to change into their normal clothes before anyone noticed them, especially Hermione.


End file.
